A 25 Year Reunion with Myself

I haven’t written a blog in a long time. It felt like every time I sat down to write, the words just would not come. I knew I had two choices: to be frustrated or to decide to just let it be, to go with the flow and wait until something I felt a burning desire to share arrived. And something did arrive after a few months of silence, the tone of which feels very different to anything I have written before.

The dream

A few days ago I had a dream, which involved me walking through the classrooms of my life, seeing people from my past. Some classrooms I barely entered, while others I lingered in and became aware of thoughts, feelings and questions that were still waiting for me. It was almost like gathering up those final threads and bringing them with me into my conscious mind. And each time I woke up, I fell back to sleep and into the same dream. There was even an underlying message of knowing when to let go. Finally, I heard someone say they hadn't had 25-year reunions in their day. Suddenly I realised exactly what this was. It was a reunion with myself, marking the end of one 25-year cycle and, perhaps, the beginning of another. It all made sense!

Reflecting on 25 years

When I awoke, I knew this was my opportunity to reflect on those 25 years and take stock of how far I had come. I often turn to journalling as a way to reflect and gather my thoughts, and as I started to write I found myself listing everything I had lived through, all the experiences that I’d had, all the achievements, the highs, the lows, the good, the bad. When I stopped and read it back, it genuinely brought me to a screeching halt. I hadn't realised quite how much life could fit into 25 years. When I was in it, I was just too close and often too busy surviving to step back and see the bigger picture forming. What I did know was that my younger self, 25 years ago, had no idea at all what was coming, and in that moment I felt so much compassion for that younger me and, I am not ashamed to say, I was overwhelmed with emotion. And even in Leo season that doesn’t feel dramatic at all! I just felt the enormity of the moment, and of course it was just a breath before I was then immediately thinking “well if that was the last 25 years and it's coming to an end, a new 25-year cycle must be beginning so holy s**t what’s coming now?”

I have debated how much to share here. There is always a fine line between speaking honestly and saying too much. Perhaps it is enough simply to say this: I was tested and challenged on every level, often all at once. I walked paths I could never have foreseen, nor would I ever have imagined. There is even a grief here for all the endings that had to precede all the new beginnings. For all the people I loved and lost, some of whom the grief is still sharp and the cost feels high. I also mourn the versions of myself that were torn down and rebuilt to be torn down again. The old stories, identities and ways of being that I had to shed, sometimes painfully, before something new, something stronger, honed and resilient could take its place. Some dreams and ideals never made it into this new chapter of my life.

I have faced my fears again and again and been dragged out of my comfort zone over and over, very often kicking and screaming. I have done the work; I have learned, grown and evolved. I mean, for anyone who follows astrology, I have Jupiter conjunct my sun and more cardinal energy than I know what to do with, so the stage was definitely set for developing myself.  In many ways, I feel like perhaps I could have stopped occasionally and taken a breath, and yet I never did.

I am aware my life hasn’t been as traumatic as some; I have so much to be thankful for, and I have had and continue to have many blessings in my life. A wonderful family who journey this life with me and love and support me. I have met amazing people who have inspired me, helped to lift me when I needed it; those who encouraged me to achieve more professionally than I ever believed I could. And those who helped me heal old wounds even when they didn’t even know it. And yes, I know people who can claim more excitement and adventure in their lives than me. There has been no fame, fortune or glory for this girl! Just an ordinary life, full to bursting with ordinary things. Yet when I looked at it all together, it suddenly felt anything but ordinary.

The gift of uncertainty

In that moment, something else also became very clear to me. I have always felt slightly envious of those people who seemed to see their path clearly, to know where they were going, and yes, that has often felt like just about everyone around me. I have always bemoaned the fact that my life has always felt shrouded in mist and swirling with uncertainty. I have never been sure of my direction and at times not even my next step. And yet, looking back over those 25 years, I realise that it was the only way that I could have lived my life. If I had known or even had a glimpse of what was coming, it would have been too daunting, too overwhelming, and I know for a fact I would have sabotaged myself and got in my own way. I would have tried to avoid the challenges in the hopes that there could have been another way and, therefore, cheated myself out of the gift these experiences brought and the achievements I have had, quite often against the odds. My tendency to overthink everything would have cut in and pointed out why pathways that were undoubtedly mine to walk in hindsight were not for me at the time of choosing.

The only way I could have lived these last 25 years was to have experienced them, day by day, moment by moment. If I had known what was coming, I may well have run in the opposite direction, and anyone who knows me knows how much I loathe running; I am a great believer it should only occur when being chased by a sabre-tooth tiger and no, not a metaphorical one, so pretty much never!

It is weird that something like uncertainty can be seen as an inconvenience at best, fill you with fear at worst, and at times even feel like a failure. I mean, I know as a coach I am meant to have my s##t together, right? But in this instance, I become aware of the gift that uncertainty actually was, although I still maintain the right to sigh, whine and generally feel it’s a pain in the you know what.

Standing on the edge again

I find myself in a more unique place of knowing the last 25 years are drawing to a close and a new cycle opening up. I am feeling the discomfort of standing on the precipice once again, just as I was 25 years ago. Having to reinvent myself again and somewhat surrounded by mystery and swirling with uncertainty. Yet, this time I have a sense that something is coming, a plan is in place even if I don’t know the details, and that I didn’t have before. I hoped, but I didn’t know. In some ways it is hard being at this point again. While I am stronger, I know more, and I have grown beyond all recognition, I am also a little tired, bruised and battered.

Yet, I feel my younger self also reaching forward to me with a gift of determination and maybe even a little blind faith and optimism. This time I know there is space to balance this with experience, curiosity and even excitement. This time I am reaching forward to my older self 25 years on who is reflecting back at me; she is blurry and as far removed from me now as I am from my younger self, but she is holding a space of compassion for me and quietly encouraging me, urging me on. I feel myself planting my feet more firmly, knowing that it’s going to be OK whatever I’m faced with. The step in front of me is not clear, and I know I need to step off the edge and into that now familiar freefall, this time not relying on life to catch me but trusting myself that I’ve got this. After all, I am living proof I have done this before and survived, and it was a helluva ride.

I felt I wanted to share this part of my journey after being quiet for so long. Maybe it will resonate with whoever you are reading this and wherever you are on your journey. As I looked back over the last 25 years, I realised I wasn't simply remembering my life; I was meeting myself again with new eyes and a boatload of compassion. And I guess if anything, this is an invitation for you to do the same.

If you paused today and looked back over the last chapter of your own life, what would you notice?

What strengths have you forgotten?

What version of yourself would you thank for how far you have come?

And what might be quietly waiting to begin?

As always, if you feel ready to explore your own journey with curiosity, compassion and courage, I'd be delighted to walk alongside you. You can find out more about working with me here.

With warmth and curiosity,

Johanna

Curiously-U