What's your story?

When you hear ‘once upon a time…’or maybe you are more of an ‘in a galaxy far far away…’ kind of person, either way, you know when you hear those words it is time to settle-in with a steaming mug of your preferred beverage, as you are in for a good story.

How many times though is that story your own?

And if it was your story, what would it say?

Would you like the story you were about to hear?

What role would you be playing (are you playing) in your own life?

To know someone is to know their story, or is it?

Our lives are full of stories, some take the form of epic adventures, others are more like mini series, comedies or romances, and others still bordering on a tragedy. I mean seriously our lives are full of the good, the bad and the downright ugly!

When moving through life we sometimes forget that we are the writers of our own stories. We can decide if we are the hero/heroin, or the victim, the intrepid explorer,  the scholar, the observer, or even the comedian. We get to decide if our stories are ones of compassion, beauty and transformation, or if they are bleak and full of struggle and pain.  

Now this may sound flippant as we all have experiences that feel beyond our control, and challenge, struggle and pain is often something that is thrust upon us, whether we like it or not. All of this is ‘true’. We cannot fail to live life on life’s terms and trying to fight this is not going to get us anywhere. BUT, we can, and indeed it is our responsibility, to decide how we respond to those moments.

Will we choose the storyline that perpetuates harm, neglect, trauma and fear or, will we choose the one that leads to love and compassion for self and others, for beauty and growth, for transformation despite the pain and struggle. This is not to silver line anything or to pretend to be anything other than human, and that the curve balls, challenges and pain that life throws at us are very real.

It is just to recognise that our relational responses do have power, they can change the way we navigate our world, and we can choose stories that are more aligned with who we are and who we want to become. It is about considering what we make our stories mean.  

The stories we are told about ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, significantly impact on our actions, behaviours, decisions and life choices. It’s like a kind of confirmation bias or a self-fulling prophecy, we begin to live up to the stories that we hear and tell. We become what we think.

Stories are deeply personal accounts that need to truly represent our authentic nature and the core of who we are. However, what are often sold to us as our stories, by life, by those around us, by our own experiences, is pure fiction. And very often not helpful. Even if well meaning and designed to protect us, they can still limit us, truncate our growth and development, and keep us small; hiding our proverbial lights under proverbial bushes.

How often do we even stop to ask if these stories are true?

I mean, what is your story? What is it really?

How do you know this is to be a true reflection of you?

Changing the narrative

Our stories often replay patterns. Perhaps you hear yourself ask ‘why does this always happen to me?’ Or subscribe to ‘this is the story of my life’ - which is never said in a positive light! Maybe you have uttered ‘I am not the clever one in the family’ or even ‘I was never the favourite’. So many of us buy into stories of what constitutes ‘beauty’, ‘success’ and ‘good’…[insert whatever fits: good parent/child/educator/person/employee and so on].

Then there are the occupational stories, ‘I was always meant to be a…’ or even ‘I am a……[insert the career of choice]. And the societal stories, ‘people like me never get to…[again insert the relevant epithet]’.

I can say that unfortunately, there are many times when we assign traits to groups of people which constrain who they are and what they might become, or how they might act. In my career I have sadly heard phrases like, ‘well what can you expect they are from…[this family, this estate]’.  Othering occurs both in ourselves for ourselves and for those around us.

Yet there are ‘things’ about stories that we are not often reminded of: we are not our stories. Our identity and the story are not one and the same. We can choose not to identify with stories that no longer serve us, or the wider world.  We all hold the power to change our stories. We can tweak them, disrupt them or even change them completely; if we do the work. It doesn’t have to be a big change, particularly not at first, even the slightest change can have a profound impact.

What would you like to change about your story?

What might you disrupt?

How might you reclaim all parts of yourself that have been fragmented, or that have become divided within your own thoughts and the core of your being, due to outdated stories?

Getting the brain on board

We are literally built to notice what we pay attention to in the world around us, and this is part of our survival mechanisms. We are bombarded with information on a daily basis and it is far too much information to comfortably and successfully navigate if we were to pay attention to everything all at once. Our brain filters information for us so that we only really see, hear and pay attention to what we have told our brain is important, leaving the rest to be ignored. This process is vital to prevent sensory overload and to support cognitive functioning.

The Reticular Activating System (RAS)[1][2] is the bundle of nerves in our brain stem that makes this magic happen. The RAS utilises the power of intention and attention to selectively highlight the information that it feels is pertinent, based on your thoughts and in relation to your beliefs about yourself and the world. It has no notion of whether what we are paying attention to is good for us and serves us well. It will respond to positive and life affirming beliefs just as much as more negative and limiting beliefs.

For example, if you believe you will be successful at something or have a more optimistic outlook, then this will be supported in what you see, hear and experience. Equally, if you feel you will fail or have a more negative outlook this will then colour how you view your experiences. You know the old adage: if you think you can or you think you can’t, you are probably right!

If you have a belief the world is a safe place, people are friendly, your needs are met regularly, then this is likely to be the experiences you will notice most. It doesn’t mean nothing ‘bad’ will ever happen, it just means that you will continue to see evidence to support that your life is on track and you’re always supported, even when things do not go according to plan. People will appear when you need help and assistance, opportunities will come knocking in a ‘right place, right time’ kind of way. Generally, you will see greater levels of positivity and satisfaction in your life. You might even believe this to be signs from the universe or synchronicities at work in your favour.

On the other hand, if you believe the world to be unsafe, yourself as a victim and have a ‘this always happens to me’ kind of belief, then it is more than possible that life will reflect this back to you. You may find that you only ever notice when people ignore you or take advantage. You may only ever notice the rejections or disappointments that confirm how unlucky in life you truly are. If you believe you are unlovable you will only see where you have been unloved, if you believe you are unsuccessful you will notice all the failures and, if you feel you will not amount to much, then you will only see your life through a lens of dissatisfaction.

Essentially, where your focus goes, energy flows or, in other words, where you place the most intention and attention in your life is what you will see more of.

Although, it is also true to say, when you are looking for change and transformation then this too might impact on your daily experiences. For example, if you feel you no longer resonate with where you live or fit in at work, or feel that you want change in other areas of your life, then you may find your world will suddenly be full of experiences that corroborate that reality.

Shifting your perceptions can harness the power of your mind to work for you, and with you, to transform your life. This does not necessarily mean you have to be positive all the time. Walking through life with a false glass-half-full perspective when this is not who you or where you are at, serves no-one.  

It also doesn’t mean when considering your story you suddenly become a fantasist with a story that has no grounding in reality. What it means is, you get to decide what you focus on. You shift your focus from what you lack, don’t have and don’t want, to considering what you do want to see more of in your life. You rewrite the stories that distract you from standing in your power and integrity, that limit you from becoming who you need and want to be become to have the life that resonates and makes your heart sing.

Stories are incredibly creative, they act like a creative compost for the seeds of self and the seeds of the life we want to create. They will impact on what we ‘grow’. We can grow weeds as well as beautiful flowers.

I am reminded here about a story retold by Earl Nightengale[3]: ‘the farmer has some land and may plant in that land whatever they wish, the land doesn’t care, it is up to the farmer to choose. The land will return whatever is planted in abundance. The farmer has a seed of corn and nightshade, they plant both and take care of both, and both grow in abundance’.

Nightengale claimed that our brains are very much like the land. Our brain does not care what we grow or what we plant. The brain will grow whatever we pay attention to and whatever we, consciously or not, tell it is important. So, with this in mind, now think of your story.

What do you want to plant and feed with attention and intention?

If you had a metaphorical seed of corn and a metaphorical seed of nightshade, what would you plant?

What stories are acting more like nightshade in your life?

Concluding thoughts

The world is full of stories, some we might consider real stories about our lives and experiences, and what we make this mean. Some are stories told about us and normally through someone else’s lens, and others are stories we tell ourselves through the lens of who we feel we are, who we want to be and often what we believe about ourselves. What experience has ‘taught us’.

The age old phrase; if you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got, is never truer than when navigating your own stories.

Stories are particularly important during transformation or during the unknown and uncertain times of the in between, when have once identified as the caterpillar but we are not yet the butterfly. I mean we may not even know the butterfly exists that alone what its story might be.

Change can be difficult, it can feel like to move forward you have to become a completely different person, with a completely different skill set and a completely different approach in the way you interact with yourself and the world around you. But it can all start with learning how to craft a good story.

We are in the age of Pluto in Aquarius. What this means very simply, is that any unresolved issues, any rot, any open wounds or distracting stories that are no longer supporting us to stand in a place of alignment and integrity, will come to the surface. This is the time to face any unresolved patterns or conflict of the past, to release, heal and forgive what we can, to create with more attention and intention a life with more compassion and purpose.

It is a time to listen, not just with ears but with our whole being, our whole heart, our whole soul, to who we are, who we want to be and what story we want to tell. To create stories with more beauty and acceptance (of self and others) than trauma and division (within self and for others).

What seeds and for what stories will you plant this year?

If you would like support with self-discovery, aligning with your purpose and changing your story please get in touch.

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References

[1] Sousa, D.A. (2022) How the brain learns. Sixth. Thousand Oaks, California: Corwin.

[2] Waterhouse, A. (2020) The brain and learning: supporting emotional health and wellbeing in school. 1;1st;1st; edn. London: Routledge.

[3] Carmichael, E. Earl Nightingale on the Strangest Secret, Goals, Success, American Economy & Positive Results!, online video recording, YouTube, 27 November 2024, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEeGEKCCeHk (Accessed 2 January 2025).